I used to be able to write things, you know, fiction and such.
I always loved it. I used to grin to myself when the first exercise in a test was "summarise the text in your own words". Od! Yes. I could do that quite well. Always a sure way of getting some points just in case you could not remember the exact date of the ballroom-oath or it's meaning.
But something happened. I don't understand, to be honest I don't understand anything, but this particular change in behavioural pattern baffles me in a special kind of way.
I sit there and stare at the cute little sentence that used to make me so happy.
"Summarise the text in your own words" how do I do that? What do I write? What if it sucks? what if I use such high-brow words like "sucks" to illustrate my oh-so- vast intellect?
I can't start.
I haven't written anything in about half a year. And the only reason I wrote anything at all was because I would not have passed my Abitur otherwise.
I am a student. I'm supposed to do that kind of thing!
In the last weeks I have been reading some of my favourite authors and I was filled with an unfathomable need to express myself in written form.
I know this particular feeling. I get it every now and then when I look at my graphite pen and paper and I start drawing pictures that are not entirely unlike those of a five year old who drew his new puppy with a scarf over is tiny little innocent five year old eyes.
How come I am such a disappointment to myself? How come I drift off topic so fast while I am writing a blog entry about how I used to like summaries?
As I mentioned above, I know nearly nothing, but I know that i have to get myself together and figure out what I want to do, whether or not I should sit around contemplating my sadness all day or should I just start actually doing something, even though that will inevitably lead to disappointment?
I also feel like running, but I can run just as well as I can draw or stay on topic. Why do I have no apparent talent on which I can improve and make myself content in doing so?
Ah fuck it, i'm going out for a slow walk now.

because that's all I can do.