I AM NOT HAPPY!!

i feel like shit.
this weekend just fucked me up. on friday everything was great, awesome if i might say so. we went to the beach. i was alittle tipsy after three shots of vodca (my belgium friend poured them so it was A LOT). i told all my friends that i thought they were super cool, and i insulted people that i like a little less.
but that was allright, i had fun. satureday we went to the mountains ling jiou san tempel. i had fun, until like often with these rotary events, i felt lost. as if i were the only one without a friend. alone and unatractive. then we got a paper that we had to sign, with rules for our trip, in one weeks time. it pissed me off. i don't really know what exactly was the most annoying part. but i felkt like punching someone in the gut. and today wasn't better. i felt like shit. i still feel like shit. i went gaming with a bunch of friends so i felt okay for a short amount of time. but still i feel like i'd rather not be feeling anything at all. i was fighting tears a bunch of times earlier today. i don't know what it is with me, but these rotary events always fuck me up. i think this is why i am scared of the trip. because i will be with everybody for ten fucking days.

FUCK FUCK FUCK
that is all i can say....
and now you will excuse me i have to feel a little more misserable...

Failure or succes???

I am in school, in the library-to be precise, even though there is no actual reason to be precise.
I have just checked my facebook. does that make me a total failure??
my weekend was good, i only turned on my computer very very shortly on sunday to ckeck my mail. it was unnecessary but i did feel okay, because i never said i would not check my e-mails.
And then today, we went to the library. all you do in the library is sit in front of a computer. first i thought i would only check my mail and then leave it. but the temptation was to strong.
my head hurts out of guilt.
I shouldn't have done it. Geez...
and also i have NOT been to the pool today, so i feel fat.

mhmh : /
not good, i have to start doing stuff so i can loose these extra kilos that i got here in taiwan.

i am sad now, i should not have written this. it dpressese me : (
bye!!!!!!!!!1!

IT IS DONE

i inforemd all my youtube suscribers and all my friends on facebook, twitter and dailybooth anout my hiatus. i don't even know why i did that. now it is time to get serious. i think the main reason for me telling everyone about it is so that i really do it and have a reason not to go back before one week is over. i am feeling a little panicy right now.
OH GET OVER IT screams my inner vioce...
so this is it now.
i will turn of my computer (geez am i not pathetic, i get all upset about not using my computer for one week, how weak is that)

GO ME!!!

bored....

here i am again. i know i said i would not update for a while. i lied (or as a matter of fact i "unpurposfuly told the not-truth") because at the moment i told the not-truth i was not aware of the fact that i was indeed not true. i am bored and i am still in class i want to do something, so here i am again. i just took a look at the watch and discovered that the bell will ring in about four minutes. so i will stop now, but i will leave you with a picture i just took. here you go! enjoy

Dramatic changes!

so i have been thinking a lot lately. and when i say a lot i really mean a lot. like at least five hours a day only thinking about how miserable i am right now. i know this feeling by now. this year i had two or three similar incidents (which each lasted about a week or two and involved a lot of self pity and hatred) so now i am sick of those phases. i want to fight back this time. and i decided that the way to fight back looks like this:
1. Get rid of all the internet distraction that isn't even entertaining anymore ( not like actually get rid of it, just turn off your computer for a week or two)
2. get off my lazy ass and do something useful, like running or swimming or anything that helps me get back in shape (as if i had ever been in shape)

since point 1 involves me not using my computer at the house this will be my first and only entry for a long time. But then again i have computer class twice a week so i can update if i feel like it.

i don't know why i have the urge to write all this down. especially since i will make a vlog about it this very evening. whatever. i just had to do this.
i hope it will help.

right now i feel a bit like colin singleton (the guy from an Abundance of katherines) i want to matter, more than anything. but i have no way of mattering, since i am completely unimportant and talentless.
and this is not only the depressed me speaking.

so i will post this now. bye